Darkness creeps in
I lie in the bed with a pounding heart
Listening alert for your footsteps
Praying that tonight should not be as bad
As last night
And the night before
And the night before
I can hear you coming near the room
My heart pounds as it was a thunderstorm
I hold my breath as if even the simple act
as breathing could give it away
I pretend to be sleeping
And say to myself that everything will be OK
I re-experience the challenging feeling of
Being trapped
And as I was being chocked
And then you are there next to me
I can feel your breath
And I hate this closeness
I close my eyes even tighter
This time not because I want to pretend
But just in a hope that things would just blacken out
The way my eyes do
You pull away my clothes
Your hands and lips are on me
Animal-like
I close my eyes so hard
That all the tears are stopped
I close my fist so tight
That my fingernails hurt my palm
Before they break
This is what usually happens
At other times I just feel I can’t take it any longer
I just can’t take the physical closeness of you
The intimacy
No matter,
How I close my eyes, tighten my fists, bite my lips –
No matter what,
There are times I just can’t take it
And I will give away a loud scream
Before trying to push you away
You hit, you shout, you say the most horrible things
And of course you are physically stronger than me
So I lose the battle
And I silent myself
Just staring at the wall
Imagining this is not me it is happening to
Try my best not to let the tears roll
I usually conquer on this
But at times I lose this battle too
And I would just let the tear roll,
Silently
A stabbing chest pain
And I so often pray that
my heart would just stop that same moment
After you finish,
you would insult and humiliate me in so many ways
I so often hated my body afterwards
that i felt like cutting it into thousand pieces
But all what i could do instead was ripping papers into thousand pieces
and punch my fist against the wall over and over again
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